A drug for every occasion
Clare, 39, talks to Kate Roach about how her life came to be dominated by drugs, and about how she managed to leave them behind her.
Clare grew up in a small leafy town where nothing much out of the ordinary happened. She was talented at music and art and was doing well at school. But she was quiet and thoughtful, and she didn't really feel that she fitted in with other kids. When she became aware of drugs, she thought they might change things for the better.
I tried speed when I was 11 years old - no one forced me or tried to persuade me into it, I went looking for it. I was in search of dreams because I didn't like my life much then. I was desperate to belong and when I took drugs with people, I found we could have something in common. I think it was a mixture of wanting to escape from myself and wanting to share experiences with other people.
From that time Clare used drugs whenever she could get hold of them. She made friends with older drug users who could supply her with dope, barbiturates, speed, LSD and alcohol. Throughout her school years her social life revolved around drugs - not one drug in particular, but a cocktail. She believes that her drug using held her back at school, but she was clever enough to get by with a minimum of work, and her other life remained hidden from her parents - though they did have suspicions.
Early on she had some experiences that may have stood her in good stead later. I have a vivid memory of a boy I knew who was a junkie,
she say. One day I watched him injecting heroin. He must have been dying for a hit because he was shaky and nervous. When he got the needle into his arm he pushed the plunger too hard, and blood sprayed everywhere, all over me. It turned my stomach and I vowed I would never take heroin. It wasn't the blood that put me off, it was the sheer desperation on his face.
I couldn't get far enough away from the real world
When she left school, Clare got a job as a laboratory technician at the local hospital and there became friendly with one of the assistants in the pharmacy. He too was a drug user, and he would regularly steal pharmaceutical drugs, passing them out to Clare through the side door of the pharmacy. Now Clare had access to an endless supply of free drugs, and it was during this period that drugs really became a way of life for her.
We had a drug for every occasion and a remedy for every effect. We'd take speed at night for clubbing, then sleepers for bed and perhaps a bit of speed to get us going at breakfast. Every activity had a drug that went with it. And sometimes we'd swap some of our pharmacy drugs for street drugs like LSD or cocaine. I always liked the ones that put you in a dreamy kind of state and gave you hallucinations, like LSD. It was as though I couldn't get far enough away from the real world."
After about a year of habitual use, Clare lost her job at the hospital and decided to move to London. She was soon involved in the drugs scene there. This was the time when I really felt I lost it. I must have been really out of it for about six months - I can't remember much, only the odd incident. I still kept away from heroin, but I was taking everything else under the sun. Then I got really paranoid. I constantly thought that I was being followed and I'd literally dive into street doorways to peek out and check who was behind me. This really scared me to death and I did begin to lay off some of the stronger drugs.
Going too far
In the following months, circumstances combined to bring home the dangers of her lifestyle. Everyone around me seemed to be going too far. I hated to see people that I liked change completely as one after the other got into heroin. I felt so alone, because I couldn't really trust anyone around me. It was a very sad time. At around the same time, I went to a music festival and saw all these kids throwing up, drugged up to their eyeballs. It was a culmination of events really but that sticks in my mind as the last straw. Giving up didn't really seem so hard after that because I was so motivated to get out of the life. I did it gradually and by the time I was 22, I was drug free.
Clare is now married with children and has moved back to her home town. She doesn't use drugs at all now. 'I am so lucky that I never got a police record, or any serious, long-term health problems. It may have left some psychological scars, but it's hard to tell. I have suffered from depression since, but that could have been the problem in the first place. I try not to think too much about it.
I suppose the saddest thing really is losing touch with so many people. But I got through it so I'm sure some of them have too. On the whole, I'm happy with my life now and that's all that matters.